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Kirk winced. "Can we stop talking about this?"
"Jim - "
"You didn't wrong me. You just don't want me. It was my fault; I was stupid to think you'd ever want me back."
"You are not stupid," Spock said, a little sharply. "But you are incorrect. I do want you."
Kirk crushed any trace of hope before it could rise. "You must not know what that phrase means."
"I know what I am saying," Spock insisted. "In truth, my intentions towards you go far beyond wanting. I have claimed you."
"Now I know you're confused, because that doesn't make sense," Kirk said neutrally, as if the whole discussion didn't make his chest ache. "It's understandable; Vulcan's your first language, not - "
Spock cut him off. "I am not confused," he insisted. "It is a Vulcan thing I speak of. Claimed is simply the closest approximation I can give in Standard because there is no human equivalent."
Kirk stared at him. "And just what do you think you claimed me for?"
"My mate."
Kirk's eyes bulged. "Your what?"
"My bondmate." Spock said the word like it was special to him. "10.5 weeks ago, on the Enterprise bridge, I touched your mind and made us telsu; a bonded pair. I claimed everything you are for my own."
Kirk's stomach sank. Spock was talking nonsense. "You are sick," he said, in worried realization. "Really sick. You've gone crazy."
"No," Spock said firmly, his eyes fixed on Kirk. "I am fully sane and finally aware that you are mine."
Kirk clenched his teeth. This was one of the cruelest jokes life had ever played on him. Just when he thought he'd closed the gaping wound Spock had ripped in his heart, Spock showed up at his table, crazy as a loon, and said these - these things -
"I am not yours, Spock," he gritted out, as politely as he could, "because you. Don't. Want. Me. Remember?"
Spock actually flinched. "I did not know about our bond until tonight. I would not have neglected you if I had known. I would never have said the things I said."
"I can't do this," Kirk said tightly. He'd had as much as he could bear. He was going to com Bones and tell him Spock was having delusions. He pushed back in his chair.
Spock seized Kirk's forearms - but gently, as if Kirk was something fragile that might break beneath Spock's grasp. Kirk was completely unprepared for being so carefully touched. He could have easily broken away from Spock's delicate hold, but the sudden contact of Spock's hands on his bare skin, and the almost tender way Spock was holding him in place, made him freeze.
"I have failed with words," Spock said, his eyes beseeching. "Jim, please. Let me show you."
Kirk couldn't think beyond the hot hands suddenly branding his skin. The only person who'd ever touched him this carefully was Bones, and then only when Kirk was injured. “Okay," he said distractedly, not really thinking about what Spock was going to do.
Then his eyes widened, as he suddenly remembered what Vulcans meant when they said show. "Wait - "
Kirk's mind exploded with images and emotion.
Vulcan is gone.
And T’Pring is dead. His childhood bond with his betrothed has been abruptly sundered. From the broken end of the link in his mind, there is a threat of crippling depression, of madness, looming over Spock. He has to keep the darkness at bay, and so he strengthens his shields until the walls between him and his link are nigh impenetrable.
But unknown to Spock, a fledging bond is accidentally created in the empty, aching space. A soulmate is recognized and claimed even as Spock loses all emotional control and nearly kills him. A bondmate, especially one as rare a match as Jim, is a gift; something Spock would cherish. He is made to love his other half and Jim is perfect for Spock in every way; brilliant, witty, brave, kind. He is a priceless treasure and Spock would delight in him endlessly, if only Spock knew.
But Spock doesn't know he has a mate. So instead, Jim is neglected and ignored, the blocked bond weakening and sickening him even as Spock is strengthened from the boundless human love Jim unknowingly pours into Spock – until Jim nearly dies saving Spock, and the shields crack, and Spock learns what he has done, learns how he has abandoned and hurt his bondmate. There can be no forgiveness for this crime, for the pain he caused his mate, and he is so sorry –
The memories stopped abruptly, like brakes had been slammed on. As Spock freed him from the meld, freeing his arms in the process, Kirk found he was short of breath. "Fuck," he wheezed, chest hurting from Spock's lingering emotional transference. He rubbed irritably at the tears stinging his eyes. "Fuck."
Spock was watching him, his intense brown eyes lit with concern and his worry threading through Kirk's already throbbing brain. "Have I injured you?"
"I'm fine," Kirk said automatically. He pressed the heel of his hand against the ache in his heart. He tried to process what he'd just seen, and simply could not wrap his mind around it. "But I think there's been some kind of mistake."
"Indeed. Hurting my mate was a grievous mistake." Spock reached for Kirk's hand.
"That's not what I meant." Kirk quickly pulled his hand away before Spock could hold it. "I'm not what you think I am."
"You are my bondmate," Spock said, as if it that was some kind of explanation. "You are everything to me."
"No I'm not." Kirk made himself into stone, refusing to be swayed even an inch by those beautiful eyes and the promises in their depths. "You were quite clear about wanting nothing to do with me before you found out about the bond."
Kirk felt a stab of Spock's guilt. "My actions were reprehensible, I do not pretend otherwise, but they are not relevant to how I feel about you now."
"Yes they are, can't you see? The bond changed your feelings towards me, influenced you, made you feel things that aren't - aren't how you really feel."
"The bond does nothing of the sort," Spock protested. "My mind was enamored with your mind, and spontaneously linked us because it could not bear the thought of an existence without you."
"That's a lovely fairytale," Kirk said, with a forced smile. He knew better than to believe. No one actually wanted to Kirk around - not his own family, and certainly not the uninterested Vulcan who broke Kirk's heart.
Spock seemed completely perplexed. "Why do you doubt my affection for you?"
Kirk bit his lip as a flood of his own memories involuntarily came back to him in answer.
His head hurts, his heart hurts, and Spock will never talk to him, can't be bothered to play chess with him, would rather do paperwork than spend an extra second in Kirk's company -
Spock seems so content with Uhura and Kirk wants to see the Vulcan he loves happy, so he keeps his distance and privately hates himself for wishing they'd split, even as their every touch burns him like a brand -
A ship full of people but Kirk is so fucking lonely, and he'll do anything for a respite from the loneliness, even drinking revolting Klingon bloodwine - only to vomit it back up painfully under Spock's disdainful, apathetic stare -
Spock outright rejects him, tells him to his face that Kirk's not even good enough for friendship, has used cold logic to decide that Kirk's too promiscuous and would not make a satisfactory partner, and so Spock crushes the last speck of hope from Kirk's soul -
There was a choked sound.
Kirk was jerked out of his thoughts. A sickening wave of Spock's shame was filling Kirk, and across the table, Spock had blanched. "Jim." He looked positively ill. "How can you possibly forgive my actions these past weeks?"
Kirk went very, very still. "How did you know what I was thinking about?"
There was a pause. Then Spock's guilty eyes met his own.
Because the bond is a two-way link, Jim.
Kirk's eyes widened.
